(We soldier on with yet another week in Bravo land. You know, now that Project Runway is moving to Lifetime, this is the only decent show on this channel anymore. I mean, unless you like watching rich women desperately attempt to hold on to some level of femininity while in the throes of menopause. Anyway, LET’S DO THIS!!! This week the faux hawk crew had to cater a wedding. God help us all.)
(Um, Padma. I’m pretty sure that’s some sort of health code violation…)
1- Stephanie
Projected Bowl: The “Holy Fuck! She can bake too?!?!” Bowl
I had the best dream the other day. I woke up alone in a king sized bed with the french doors leading to the balcony were open. My room overlooked the beach and a cool breeze came in from the ocean. I heard kitchen noises stirring from the down the hall and in a couple of minutes, Stephanie came in and said “Oh, you’re up. I made some breakfast. Nothing crazy, just some biscuits and gravy (note: the single greatest breakfast known to mankind). A fresh pot of coffee should be ready any second now.”
She then leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Thanks for last night,” she softly whispered, “it was the best I’ve ever had.”
(Yep, it’s official… I crossed the line!)
And then Hungry Mag’s Michael Nagrant said this:
Stephanie whips mayo like a high priced dominatrix and wins the quickfire challenge. From now on we’ll refer to her as “The Forearm”.
Oh yeah, Stephanie can top me anytime.
2- Richard
Projected Bowl: “This is a reality show! Stop being so nice!” Bowl
Seriously, sharing two g’s and the win with Stephanie was pretty awesome. This is a novel concept for all reality show contestants. Step One- Actually be talented in something. And Step Two- Act so nice that no amount of editing and reaction shots can make you look like a prick. Good work!
3- Andrew
Projected Bowl: “Shakes the Clown” Bowl
If you need someone on your team to stay up for fourteen hours cooking the whole time, this guy has to be a number one pick. And the line “Under no circumstances is Andrew allowed to deal with the public” is awesome.
Why is it so many people say the same thing about me? My rank smell? The casual use of the word “fistfuck” in everyday conversation? My constant preaching about the benefits of Scientology? Ah, hell. I can’t figure it out.
4- Dale
Projected Bowl: “Fuck all the haters!” Bowl
I hear ya, buddy. You got stuck with a bunch of retards. And if everything sucked, it’s because you had so much to do. But things would have been a lot better if you just shut up about it and let Spike bury himself. And you’re right, who the fuck CAN’T make mayo? You just whip shit together real hard. Anyway, I got your back, buddy. Chi-town, represent!
5- Antonia
Projected Bowl: “Laying Low till it gets down to the wire” Bowl
Kind of quiet this episode. She’s one of the best and it says a lot that she was the weakest member of her group.
6- Nikki (ELIMINATED)
Projected Bowl: “Fuhgeddaboutit Bowl”
Let’s see, you’re Italian and can’t make pasta for shit? And the groom wants Italian and you didn’t want to step up? What restaurant are you cooking at? Olive Garden? Maybe you would have done better had you offered unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.
7- Lisa
Projected Bowl: “I threw up in my mouth a little” Bowl
Please, please, please eliminate her next? Please?
8- Valerie (ELIMINATED)
Projected Bowl: “Still Better than half the people left” Bowl
I’d root for anything loosely associated with Chicago. In related news, I bought eight season tickets to the Chicago Shamroxx this summer! Who wants to come with me and watch hot National League Lacrosse action!
Now that sport is WHITE. What’s the deal now? When black people begin to dominate a sport we have to start inventing sports to replace them? I still think lacrosse is NASCAR for people that went to Ivy League schools.
9- Jennifer (ELIMINATED)
Projected Bowl: “The LPGA Bowl”
I find myself missing her…
10- Zoi (ELIMINATED)
Projected Bowl: “The ‘L’ Word” Bowl
…But not her.
11- Mark (ELIMINATED)
Projected Bowl: “New Zealand: It Rocks!” Bowl
I wonder if he ever helped Frodo return the ring to Modor?
12- Manuel (ELIMINATED)
Projected Bowl: “Cinco De Mayo” Bowl
Si se peude! Oh wait, actually, you couldn’t do it. My bad.
13- Ryan (ELIMINATED)
Projected Bowl: “Frosted Tips” Bowl
Whatever.
14- Erik (ELIMINATED)
Projected Bowl: “A Star Tattoo? Seriously?” Bowl
See Ryan.
15- Miami (OH)
Projected Bowl: GMAC Bowl
I don’t think the Mid-American Conference gets enough respect sometimes.
16- Spike
Projected Bowl: “Three hours to cook fish” Bowl
That’s right, I ranked you BELOW the joke entry. That’s for your lame ass hats. Douche.
Also Receiving Votes: Southern Florida, Ron Paul, UCLA, Nimma, Georgia Tech
