TGI McFunster’s!

In Food City Match-Ups, we take a look at the pros and cons of eating in two cities (some we’ve never been to or have any intention of setting foot in) and pass judgment on who wins based on unresearched stereotypes and hunches. This week we break down, completely biased of course, the 2008 NBA Playoffs. Finally moving on the Western Conference, we break down #4 Utah versus #5 Houston.

vs.

Next up, it’s “Big Salty” versus Clutch City!

UTAH:

(Maybe Salt Lake Citizens aren’t ALL that bad…)

Reputation: Almost nil. Foodies usually tend to be liberal hippie douches who sniff their own farts, and unless you’re talking about Sundance or Zion National Park, most of them wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near conservative Utah.

Local Flavor: Utah food is more renown as family food. The kind of family fare you can only get when a religious zealot convinces his cult to walk to a godforsaken hellscape to where the water isn’t even drinkable. I tried to go a whole breakdown of Utah and not mention Mormons. I honestly did try. But come on, its ALL anyone can think about when they think of Utah.

Top Restaurant: Which ever one has a full bar.

Signature Dish: Green Jell-O.

The offical state snack food of Utah. And the part of the United States where Mormons are common (Utah, Arizona, Southern Idaho, Nevada, parts of Colorado) is called the “Jello Belt“. If that’s not signature, I have no idea what is. Also, Jello isn’t a dessert in Utah, it’s a “salad”.

What Are They Eating in the Locker Room?: There’s nothing Utah loves more than White People. So it makes sense they’d have to go to the former Soviet Union to find Caucasians capable of playing in the NBA. So Russia’s Andrei Kirilenko and the Ukraine’s Kyrylo Fesenko probably get their borscht on before every game.

What The Locals Say: Co-worker Travis is from Salt Lake City. When asked about how he thought Utah measured up as a food city, he just sort of sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know man. There isn’t a whole bunch of places to go. People usually just eat at home.”

And when I checked out the “The Essential Mormon Cookbook” online, I knew the Utah food scene looks like a huge-ass pot luck dinner.

HOUSTON:

(I’m actually fraternity brothers with this douche)

Reputation: Not what you’d expect. Everyone immediately thinks oil derricks, cowboy hats, and Cadillac cars, But Houston is actually a pretty diverse city with a wide range of food options. Fancy stuff is there (I mean, Houston has money and they do like to spend it) but they did inherit a lot of Cajun refugees from Katrina and they know how to cook. Add that to Texas barbecue tradition, and it Houston has a decent food rep.

Local Flavor: Well, we mentioned barbecue, and Houston’s proximity to Mexico means a good taco is probably easy to find. But did you know Houston has one of the largest community of Southeast Asian immigrants in the hemisphere? And around the TGI McFunster’s flagship store, Vietnamese is our favorite cuisine. And with a click glance at the map says “Little Saigon” would be a good place to start. Or one of the two (2!) Chinatowns Houston has in its sprawling city limits.

Top Restaurant: Going with the “What locals say” portion a little early here, Clint is a friend of mine from Katy, TX (home of Renee Zellweger, Roger Clemens, and Clint Black!) just outside Houston:

“The most beloved spots is Goode Company barbecue. The menu seems strange to some but is probably more what Texas bbq was really like around the early 1900’s. Specialties include a slew of different house cured sausages, fork tender brisket, and barbecued duck legs.”

Signature Dish:

Look at that. Beef ribs. Hot links. Brisket. Check out the pink around the slices of brisket. That’s called a “smoke ring“. It represents everything that’s good and wholesome and decent on this crazy planet. Slap it all on a piece of wax paper with a couple of slices of Wonder Bread, hold the sauce (thats for the Yankees), serve it up with a mason jar full of Iced Tea and/or bottle of Shiner Bock and that’s not a meal… it’s a transcendent experience that allows you to complete yet another check on your list of things to do before you end your life in a coked-up shooting spree with the cops. (Your plans may vary)

What Are They Eating In The Locker Room?: There are 1.3 billion Chinese. And of all of them, Center Yao Ming is probably the most recognizable in the whole world. Seeing as how he’s from Shanghai, we’d show up to the locker room with some Shanghai Crispy Chicken. You just boil a chicken until its tender, then roast it till the skin is crispy.

What? His favorite food is McDonald’s? Well, fuck him, then.

What the Locals Say: Back to Clint. (He never said if he was from Old Katy, north of I-10, or merely from the Katy Area. This matters because Katy Area bitches be frontin’):

Houston has several spots known globally for innovative as well as classical cuisine. Tony Vallone’s legendary Tony’s constantly evolves (sashimi to souffle) to cater to Amex blackcard holders. The small yet beloved Brennan’s cooks seafood and steaks with a nod to classical French techniques and garners two Michelin stars.

But this is Texas and Texas is known for barbecue. As far as mom and pop joints go, everyone has their favorites. Landmarks include Otto’s (made famous by the patronage of a former one term president, who was also a former C.I.A director and may or may not have trafficked cocaine into the states depending on whether or not you believe the lyrics of the legendary Geto Boys.) Others swear by Drexler’s, Clyde the Glides establishment where they perfect brisket, ribs, and sausage on a daily basis. Of course found in every strip mall and roadside trailer are numerous gems that would help Chicagoans realize that they have never really had real barbecue.

Houston is also a coastal town and is currently in the throes of a fine dining seafood movement. The newly opened Reef stands out on this front. There is also a shit-ton of cajun, Tex-mex, and mex-mex in H-town.

As for Utah?

The beer in Utah CANNOT by law exceed 3.2%. Just sayin’

The Verdict:

Big Oil vs. Big Love… Vince Young vs. Steve Young… Beyonce vs. The Osmonds…

Is there really a debate about this? Barbecue, Vietnamese food, AND a rapping midget!?!?!

HOUSTON WINS!