(Once again we take a look at how the faux hawk crew is handling on a carefully choreographed reality show. This week, in the spirit of the elimination challenge where the chefs cooked for Bears fans, we’ll be assigning a Bears player to illustrate just how well each contestant is doing. For a break down of what happened, might I suggest this blog?)
(Jesus, Brad Maynard looks fat in that beret)
1- Stephanie
Equivalent Bear: Walter Payton
TGI McFunster’s #1 heart throb (She even picked a Belgian White Ale in the quickfire challenge! I fucking LOVE Hoegaarden!) dominates yet again with strong showings in both the quickfire and elimination challenges. Me and maff were talking about what would happen if we actually got to meet her someday. I think it would look pretty similar to this:
(In other words… awkward!)
2- Dale
Equivalent Bear: Richard Dent (Side Rant: The fact Dent is not in the Hall of Fame and Andre “Super Bowl XX loser” Tippett is pisses me off to no end. I’m gonna bash the Patriots mercilessly until this is fixed.)
What? He’s a Bears fan? Hell yeah!
3- Richard
Equivalent Bear: “Samurai” Mike Singletary (Majored in Calculus at Baylor, so he’s a nerd)
Hey, the fucking food chemist made a sandwich! Good for him. I’ll bet he put Ras El-Hanout in the bread somehow.
4- Andrew
Equivalent Bear: Devin “Anytime” Hester (Completely incapable of ever sitting still)
Little guy is starting to grow on me.
5- Jennifer
Equivalent Bear: Kyle Orton (Scrappy, Underrated, Loves the Ladies…)
Did you notice how she made a reference to how her hair looks like a shark? And I made that exact one last week? LOL! I’m psychic!
Wait? They shot the season like three years ago? Fuck.
6- Mark
Equivalent Bear: Jim “Punky QB” McMahon
In all fairness, I’d hop in a bath with him. And I’m straight. There’s no way I’d ever get entranced with his exotic accent, his curly mane, his care-free and shirtless… THINK OF STEPHANIE! THINK OF STEPHANIE! THINK OF STEPHANIE!
7- Antonia
Equivalent Bear: Bob “Fiesty Italian” Avellini
Big jerked chicken fan. Solid choice.
8- Lisa
Equivalent Bear: Brian Urlacher (Paris Hilton’s ex probably has some disease, just like “Typhoid Lisa.” Also, the anger issues)
That’s right, you made a burger to go with beer. Doesn’t give you a right to be smug, though.
9- Nikki
Equivalent Bear: Cedric Benson (Someone else I’m getting annoyed with)
“I’m making sausage and peppers, because I’m from New York!” Wow, that’s a GREAT way to ingratiate yourself with Chicagoans. Keep talking about how awesome New York is. Do you have any idea how hard we have to work to alleviate our New York penis envy?
And is it just me, or does her hair and fashion sense sort of remind me of Amy Winehouse? And I HATE Amy Winehouse.
10- Valerie ELIMINATED
Equivalent Bear: Thomas Jones (Gone, but not forgotten)
Come back! It should be Spike gone and not you!
11- Spike
Equivalent Bear: David Terrell (Soooooo annoying)
I’ll leave this one to Lee Anne Wong’s blog:
“Had I had to live in that house with Spike, I would’ve probably started hiding his ridiculous hats after the first week. Maybe grab one and hide it in the basement closet. Or put another one on the roof. I mean, you could have a thousand places to hide his hats in that house. What a constant source of entertainment!”
Here, here.
12- Ryan ELIMINATED
Equivalent Bear: Rex “The Sex Cannon” Grossman (Sexy, Showed signs of promise but ultimately failed)
Sorry, buddy. We don’t take to Californian shit, either.
13- Zoi ELIMINATED
Equivalent Bear: Kordell Stewart (Gay as all hell, terrible at what he/she does)
You’re cooking for the angels in heaven now!
(Edit: Maff texted me to tell me they don’t actually kill off the contestants as they’re asked to leave. Dang.)
14- Manuel ELIMINATED
Equivalent Bear: Roberto Garza (Mexican)
Poor guy. Maybe if you wore more hats…
15- Nimma ELIMINATED
Equivalent Bear: Cade McNown (Sucks)
Who?
16- Erik ELIMINATED
Equivalent Bear: Alonzo Spellman (Large… crazy…)
I’m still pissed off about your whole “Mexican food is low class” crack.
Previous elimination challenge winners have picked up some sweet swag for winning (trip to Europe, chance to cook with an established chef, your dish will appear on the menu of a michelin-star restaurant, new laptop, etc.).
So Dale wins and they toss him a Bears jersey. Gee thanks. Tight budget this week, or did you spend it all on beer?
@Phil:
And it was a replica at that. I would have demanded at least a dinner at Ditka’s.
my company almost got kicked out of ditka’s.
that’s all i got.
I shot a video with Ditka once. The man is pretty much a raging bag of douche.
I thought getting stuck with the jersey was weak too. I’m surprised they didn’t throw in a six pack of Old Style.
[...] on April 17, 2008 at 11:07 am1 Phil. Previous elimination challenge winners have picked up …http://tgimcfunsters.com/2008/04/17/top-chef-bcs-rankings-week-six/Bowl Championship Series – ESPNBowl Championship Series BCS standings for college football teams [...]
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