TGI McFunster’s!

(Note: Yeah, we’re entering into this late, but we didn’t exist till just now. While I’ve seen this in other places, they’re about as funny as baby cancer.

Also, for a better breakdown of what happens from week to week, check out Hungry Mag’s Weekly “30 Seconds on Top Chef“. They do it way funnier and more efficiently than we ever could)

1- Stephanie (Harris Poll: 1, Coaches’ Poll: 1)

Bowl Projection: BCS Bowl, New Orleans, LA

Again, local Chicagoan (who’s now closed restaurant Scylla is just two blocks down the street from my apartment) and TGI McFunster’s current crush object dominates all the contestants (and our hearts) in this otherwise bleak season. Oh, Stephanie… I’d bet you could crush a beer can on your forehead. And that’s why we love you.

2- Dale (Harris Poll: 2, Coaches’ Poll: 3)

Bowl Projection: The Rose Bowl Presented By Citi, Pasadena, CA

This season’s token dick (See: Hung, Marcel) actually played it cool this week, and consequently came off looking pretty good. And yes, I consider kicking a chair and calling someone a “bitch” looking pretty good.

3- Andrew (Harris Poll: 3, Coaches’ Poll: 2)

Bowl Projection: FedEx Orange Bowl, Miami, FL

When they said this was a cooking show, he knew they meant food and not crystal meth, right? Man this guy is crazy jittery.

4- Richard (Harris Poll: 4, Coaches’ Poll: 4)

Bowl Projection: Tostito’s Fiesta Bowl, Tempe, AZ

I’ll let Ogre handle this one:

5- Mark (Harris Poll: 5, Coaches’ Poll: 5)

Bowl Projection: Outback Bowl, Tampa, FL

I could easily eat this guy’s cooking, but I’d HATE to be his friend. I just get this gut feeling he’d be a total cockblocker and he’d try to hook up with literally EVERY girl around you. And that New Zealand accent is pure panty-melter.

6- Jennifer (Harris Poll: 6, Coaches’ Poll: 8 )

Bowl Projection: Cotton Bowl, Dallas, TX

Why does every season have to feature a bunch of people with craaaaazy hair? My mom called Marcel “Astro Boy” pretty much through all of Season 2. I’m calling the faux hawk twins Richard, “Jaws“, and Jennifer, “Jaws 2: Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water“.

7- Valerie (Harris Poll: 8, Coaches’ Poll: 6) ELIMINATED

Bowl Projection: Petrosun Independence Bowl, Shreveport, LA

Up here solely because she’s from Chicago. And if I’m anything, I’m a total homer/mindless booster for the “Hog Butcher to the World”. (Did you know we invented the Ferris Wheel? We will not shut the fuck up about this!)

8- Ryan (Harris Poll: 7, Coaches’ Poll: 7)

Bowl Projection: Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, Honolulu, HI

Why here? Why the hell not? He just feels like “good for the camera” cannon fodder anyway.

9- Nikki (Harris Poll: 9, Coaches’ Poll: 9)

Bowl Projection: Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl, Las Vegas, NV

Did you know she’s also a certified sommelier? “Sommelier” is French for “Professional Drunk”.

10- Antonia (Harris Poll: 11, Coaches’ Poll: 10)

Bowl Projection: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, San Diego, CA

I don’t care if you won the quick fire challenge, Spike totally had you dead to rights when he said “You didn’t want to make soup”, and you said you were fine with it. Whatever, you totally threw a hissy fit over it earlier. And now you’re clinging to the edge of the top ten on some anonymous blogger’s meaningless rankings. Suck on that!

11- Lisa (Harris Poll: 10, Coaches’ Poll: 11)

Bowl Projection: International Bowl, Toronto, ON

So what if you won this round? You still look greasy to the touch, and eyebrow piercings make me want to vomit in terror. Can’t you just imagine the off white-colored puss oozing out of that wound and dripping into a risotto? Ewwwwww…..

12- Zoi (Harris Poll: 13, Coaches’ Poll: 12) ELIMINATED

Bowl Projection: Gaylord (LOL!!!!1!) Hotels Music City Bowl, Nashville, TN

Get it? Out! Again! It’s because she’s a lesbian! Hahahahaha! Oh, Bravo. You and your sparkling word play!

13- Spike (Harris Poll: 12, Coaches’ Poll: 13)

Bowl Projection: Hotchickswithdouchebags.com Bowl, Orlando, FL

That’s right, you’re ranked BELOW two people already been voted out. Wanna know why? You and your silly ass hats, that’s why!

Here’s a fun drinking game for all you kids out there who want to “spice up” your Top Chef night (Pun TOTALLY intended). It’s the Spike “What Hat Am I Gonna Wear Next?” Game! Remember to follow the rules every time you see the appropriate hat on the screen:

- “Pork Pie” Hat: One Drink

- Beret: One Drink

- Wicker Basket with a brim: Two Drinks

- Top Hat (with Monocle): Three Drinks

- Mesh Trucker Hat with Confederate Flag on Front: Five Drinks

- Viking Helmet: Finish your beer

- Stormtrooper Helmet: Finish Case

- Nazi Offizierfeldmutze: Drink till you black out

14- Manuel (Harris Poll: 14, Coaches’ Poll: 14) ELIMINATED

Bowl Projection: Wells Fargo Sun Bowl, El Paso, TX

I can’t believe a Mexican couldn’t hold his own in a kitchen. It’s like an Irishman being bad at sex. (Are you listening… ladies?)

15- Erik (Harris Poll: 15, Coaches’ Poll 16) ELIMINATED

Bowl Projection: Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl, Boise, ID

I think a neck tattoo says to the world “I never really wanted to be successful anyway”.

16- Nimma (Harris Poll: 16, Coaches’ Poll: Unranked) ELIMINATED

Bowl Projection: Sitting at home, playing X Box

Tough first week loss at home to Appalachian State. There’s just no real coming back from that.