To me, nothing says “Thanks mom, for everything you do” quite like some Mexican grindcore. Especially when it contains the line “Immigration-they’ll fuck your hole.”  Besides, if you really loved your mom, you would be out at an overpriced brunch right now, because nothing says love like a chafing dish of eggs and some hollandaise sauce thats sat out all day.  

My lady friend made some remark about how much she hated Bjork. Sure, I guess if all you’ve been exposed to of her is the swan dress and the weird fairy voice she uses in some of her “mainstream” music. But then you remember she’s a native Icelander, which means she’s the direct descendant of the toughest, most badass Vikings in history. It’s like she’s 300 lbs. of axe-wielding beserker packed into a 4′11″ frame.

(Flag Nerd Alert: The flag on the sleeves in the video is Greenland’s. Also, a flag nerd is called a “vexillologist”. Completely unrelated to anything else, I’m still a virgin.)

“This American Life” is back on Showtime this spring, and I couldn’t be happier. That show rocks balls. But my favorite segment from the first season has to be this one:

This is in a fashionable, “yuppie” neighborhood in Chicago. I disagree with the person who posted it, this isn’t what “Chi-town” is “All About”, just the worst parts. I would kill someone about three minutes into a shift here. How these folks handle it boggles my mind. They may well have been Zen Buddhist monks in a past life.

But anyway, this place is right down the street from my girlfriend’s. I eat here from time to time, and I tip generously. I just feel bad for the kind of people they have to deal with this constantly.

(We soldier on with yet another week in Bravo land. You know, now that Project Runway is moving to Lifetime, this is the only decent show on this channel anymore. I mean, unless you like watching rich women desperately attempt to hold on to some level of femininity while in the throes of menopause. Anyway, LET’S DO THIS!!! This week the faux hawk crew had to cater a wedding. God help us all.)

(Um, Padma. I’m pretty sure that’s some sort of health code violation…)

1- Stephanie

Projected Bowl: The “Holy Fuck! She can bake too?!?!” Bowl

I had the best dream the other day. I woke up alone in a king sized bed with the french doors leading to the balcony were open. My room overlooked the beach and a cool breeze came in from the ocean. I heard kitchen noises stirring from the down the hall and in a couple of minutes, Stephanie came in and said “Oh, you’re up. I made some breakfast. Nothing crazy, just some biscuits and gravy (note: the single greatest breakfast known to mankind). A fresh pot of coffee should be ready any second now.”

She then leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Thanks for last night,” she softly whispered, “it was the best I’ve ever had.”

(Yep, it’s official… I crossed the line!)

And then Hungry Mag’s Michael Nagrant said this:

Stephanie whips mayo like a high priced dominatrix and wins the quickfire challenge. From now on we’ll refer to her as “The Forearm”.

Oh yeah, Stephanie can top me anytime.

2- Richard

Projected Bowl: “This is a reality show! Stop being so nice!” Bowl

Seriously, sharing two g’s and the win with Stephanie was pretty awesome. This is a novel concept for all reality show contestants. Step One- Actually be talented in something. And Step Two- Act so nice that no amount of editing and reaction shots can make you look like a prick. Good work!

3- Andrew

Projected Bowl: “Shakes the Clown” Bowl

If you need someone on your team to stay up for fourteen hours cooking the whole time, this guy has to be a number one pick. And the line “Under no circumstances is Andrew allowed to deal with the public” is awesome.

Why is it so many people say the same thing about me? My rank smell? The casual use of the word “fistfuck” in everyday conversation? My constant preaching about the benefits of Scientology? Ah, hell. I can’t figure it out.

4- Dale

Projected Bowl: “Fuck all the haters!” Bowl

I hear ya, buddy. You got stuck with a bunch of retards. And if everything sucked, it’s because you had so much to do. But things would have been a lot better if you just shut up about it and let Spike bury himself. And you’re right, who the fuck CAN’T make mayo? You just whip shit together real hard. Anyway, I got your back, buddy. Chi-town, represent!

5- Antonia

Projected Bowl: “Laying Low till it gets down to the wire” Bowl

Kind of quiet this episode. She’s one of the best and it says a lot that she was the weakest member of her group.

6- Nikki (ELIMINATED)

Projected Bowl: “Fuhgeddaboutit Bowl”

Let’s see, you’re Italian and can’t make pasta for shit? And the groom wants Italian and you didn’t want to step up? What restaurant are you cooking at? Olive Garden? Maybe you would have done better had you offered unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.

7- Lisa

Projected Bowl: “I threw up in my mouth a little” Bowl

Please, please, please eliminate her next? Please?

8- Valerie (ELIMINATED)

Projected Bowl: “Still Better than half the people left” Bowl

I’d root for anything loosely associated with Chicago. In related news, I bought eight season tickets to the Chicago Shamroxx this summer! Who wants to come with me and watch hot National League Lacrosse action!

Now that sport is WHITE. What’s the deal now? When black people begin to dominate a sport we have to start inventing sports to replace them? I still think lacrosse is NASCAR for people that went to Ivy League schools.

9- Jennifer (ELIMINATED)

Projected Bowl: “The LPGA Bowl”

I find myself missing her…

10- Zoi (ELIMINATED)

Projected Bowl: “The ‘L’ Word” Bowl

…But not her.

11- Mark (ELIMINATED)

Projected Bowl: “New Zealand: It Rocks!” Bowl

I wonder if he ever helped Frodo return the ring to Modor?

12- Manuel (ELIMINATED)

Projected Bowl: “Cinco De Mayo” Bowl

Si se peude! Oh wait, actually, you couldn’t do it. My bad.

13- Ryan (ELIMINATED)

Projected Bowl: “Frosted Tips” Bowl

Whatever.

14- Erik (ELIMINATED)

Projected Bowl: “A Star Tattoo? Seriously?” Bowl

See Ryan.

15- Miami (OH)

Projected Bowl: GMAC Bowl

I don’t think the Mid-American Conference gets enough respect sometimes.

16- Spike

Projected Bowl: “Three hours to cook fish” Bowl

That’s right, I ranked you BELOW the joke entry. That’s for your lame ass hats. Douche.

Also Receiving Votes: Southern Florida, Ron Paul, UCLA, Nimma, Georgia Tech

All right, for the uninitiated, see this?

This is a “bar station”. Also known as a “well”. The pan on the bottom with all the liquor bottles is the “speed rail”, you have the “ice bin” which is self-explanatory, and the fruit tray right up against the counter. But see that other side? Right across the counter there? That’s also “The Well”, but can also be called “The Wait Station” or “Service Station”.

DON’T STAND IN FRONT OF IT!!!!

Seriously, we’re trying to do our job here! Imagine you’re at your office gig, and every time you have to use the phone, fax machine, or copier there’s a drunk asshole sitting right in front of it, and you have to reach around them to get anything done. And the parents at table 72 need their Margaritas NOW!

Now, I know, the vast majority of the time, almost everyone kind of gets it. Most people respect the well. But when the bar area gets all crowded, and we get on a wait, every now and then, some oblivious jerkwads decided that’s a good place to camp while they wait to get seated. NO! Bad Tourist! (Smacks with newspaper).

The fact is, I don’t care what the circumstance is, there is simply no good reason to stand there.

No where else to stand? Fuck you, go outside, then. We’re probably at fire code limits as is. We’ll call your name shortly.

Watching the Cubs game? A giant fuck you. They haven’t won anything since the cotton gin was invented, therefore they’re not deserving of your loyalty, anyway.

Trying to pick up the huge chested bartender? Fuck you, pal. I’ve got news for you. Nursing a Bud Light that you tipped a buck on while trying to show her your HILARIOUS Borat impression is getting you nowhere. Also, she has a boyfriend. Who could probably kick your ass. I know, because I already tried and failed.

Can’t get a drink? Fuck you. Try waiting patiently for a table or seat to open up. Were you just raped in the men’s room and suddenly need a drink right now to wash away the horrible memories? Maybe you need a police officer instead of a bartender.

Anyway, everytime I see someone stand there, I immediately want to do this:

I like the one right around 1:11. Mainly because if I were to check you over the bar like that, I would throw you through a large series of glassware and on top of the speed rail. That would be ever so much fun.

It’s waiting tables on hockey skates that’s the real bitch.

I love food, which comes as no shock to anyone who sees my doughy appearance (this site has helped me a lot with the ol’ self esteem). I love what it can mean to people and whole cultures. So I have a hard time understanding people who turn food into their mortal enemy, making it something that has to be carefully twisted and skull fucked to fit in with their belief system.

Yet I found myself out with a vegan girl the other night trying to enjoy a nice dinner of Vietnamese food in Little Saigon. It was the kind of place I love; tiny, barely English speaking and staffed entirely by one family that came over from Vietnam with practically nothing. Having to hear this girl nitpick over every item on the menu and then interrogate our server over their use of fish in the broth smacked me as the ultimate arrogance. This whole family comes from a place where people go to bed hungry at night, where starving to death is not unheard of and to tell her that you can’t eat fish because its morally wrong has got to feel like a giant cockslap to the face. Needless to say, the rest of dinner sucked.

But if there is one thing I love more than food and getting up on my soapbox, its compromising my morals, so we’re going out again next week. Mmmmm…compromised morals.

In “OVER/UNDER”, the editors of TGI McFunster’s review a different theme restaurant, estimate the over/under of the length of time we could last into a shift there, and what the method of termination would be. This week we look at the “Cabbage and Condom Restaurant and Safe Sex Museum” in Bangkok, Thailand.

pb: Well, I do like Thai food. But I also hate condoms. Hmm… I’m gonna guess a couple of months while I pursue my dream to become the fattest muay thai boxer in all of Thailand.

Maffmatics: I think I could go three weeks before the appeal of free profos was outweighed by having to look at the vasectomy museum all day.  But as the owner of at least three strange antibiotic resistant stds that were picked up in Bangkok, I am on record as saying this is a pretty good idea.

Well, it’s that time of year when it’s ok for white people to like Mexicans. The rest of the time everyone is trying to build a wall to keep them out. Just remember, burritos are from San Diego and Margaritas from Texas.

But what is Cinco De Mayo all about you ask? Well, it’s the anniversary of when the Mexicans won the battle of Puebla over, let’s see here… FRANCE?!?! Seriously? You’re celebrating beating the French? OK, they’re sexier than a threesome with Dolly Parton and the Statue of Liberty, and they’re one of the best food nations in history, but they’re like the Ohio State of war. Sure they look tough on paper, but when it comes time to strap on the pads, it’s Dien Bien Phu/Waterloo/Maginot Line all over again.

Look, Mexico. if you want me to take you seriously, you’re gonna have to beat a real country. Russia would work. So would Turkey. The Koreans are scrappy. Hell, even Denmark would be an upgrade over the French.

Yeah, I’m a comic dork. And a web comic dork at that. Easily the worst kind. But this one from Bolt City’s “Copper” kind of expresses why it’d take a lot to dislodge me from Chicago. (Click on it to read it)

Around these parts, we work at a theme restaurant, so we may know a thing or two what the pubic wants from its wacky dining experiences. Here is a great new idea we think is going unused:

WU-TANG CLAN… THE DINING EXPERIENCE!

SLOGAN: “Quality family fare at reasonable prices? That ain’t nuthin’ to fuck wit’!”

CONCEPT: Combines everyone’s love for fresh and well-priced casual dining with the realist in East Coast hip hop. A “win-win” for everyone!

THE HOOK: A special “early bird” menu for seniors AND an award winning kids menu (Try the Ol’ Dirty Bastard Chicken Tenders with our special Staten Island Honey Mustard dipping sauce! Because ODB is for the children!)

SOME FAVORITE DISHES:

-Specialty Drinks: “The Five Percenter Margarita”! We used Supreme Mathematics to find just the right combination of Tequila, Lime Juice, Triple Sec, and our own special sour mix to tickle your taste buds! Also comes in Inspectah Deck (Melon), RZA (Raspberry) and GZA (Mango) varieties!

-Appetizers: “Method Man’s Fried ‘Cheese’ Wagstaff” Farm fresh Buffalo mozzarella, deep fried to a golden brown. Now It’s our time. Mines and yours!

-Entrees: Ghostface Killah’s Fishscale Fish and Chips! We start with freshest tilapia and fry up some of the tastiest fish sticks you ever had! It’s Mighty Healthy!

-Desserts: “The Gravel Pit” We take a whole heap of Dippin’ Dots (gravel) and coat that sucker in hot fudge and butterscotch! The ice cream of the future just got more delicious!